I remember when I was 12 years old at a Magic: The Gathering tournament, one guy made fun of a fat kid for having a Nirvana patch ironed onto his sweatshirt. He said, “Look out for that guy, he likes Nirvana.” I didn’t know who Nirvana was and laughed because I was 12 years old.
I thought of a funny joke. Q: How many scare quotes does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: ‘Fuck you’ I started writing a blogpost titled “Notes of a person who wants followers on Twitter and hits on his blog and to be recognized on the internet by strangers,” but the only thing I wrote was, “My name is Justin Drifka Ferguson and I am lonely.” I watched...
Life is a Noah Cicero story
I feel so fucked all the time. My cat tore up paper towel all over the house. I don’t even have the motivation to clean it up. Something is wrong with me. I can’t feel happy. Israel is going to bomb Iran. People are going to die. I forgot to take the trashcan off the curb for three days. I’m worried my neighbors will call the city. People are tweeting about Facebook buying...
I saw God once outside of a liquor store. His head was huge, like a neanderthal’s but with a touch of down’s syndrome mixed with a hint of his mother drinking a bottle of whiskey nightly while he was in the womb. He stood there, looking at me, his face contorted and horrific, his arms tired and mangled looking, his muscles weak and lame. “I want you to kill yourself,” he...
Fear and R.L. Stine in Las Vegas
I’ve been sending tweets to R.L. Stine in the hopes that he will notice me. For what, I have no idea. I just need validation. I need validation from R.L. Stine. When my mother bore me from her womb, I’m not sure if this is what she had in mind for her son. Did she know that I would one day sit at my computer and type juvenile things to a middle-aged Jewish author searching for the answers to...